Why’s Austria shaped like a piece of fried chicken?

Man, wouldn’t it be nice if I had left today, during the Presidential Inauguration of Donald J. Trump. The 20th of January, 2017, where Mr. Trump became Mr. President. What a nice flight that would be, to get the hell off of this sinking ship right as the iceberg hits.

Fuck I’ve still got six weeks before I’m out of this shit.

PICTURES AT THE BOTTOM, NIGGA.

Holy shit only like 6 weeks to go are you fucking ready.

Featuring a 50L main backpack and a 10L daypack, I’ve got 60 whole liters to carry around the trash that I call Survival Essentials for Dicking Around in Europe. I actually was only gonna bring the 50L, but there was just barely not enough room, so I got a little piece of shit mini backpack thing. Now it’s not a bitch to pack, though there isn’t much extra room. Hope I don’t get any big souvenirs.

There’s a bunch of stuff in this mess of a pack. If you give a shit, here’s a list.

4 pair socks – 2 light, 2 heavy (goddamn I hope they don’t stink like shit)

Eurail Pass (fucking 1000 dollar train ticket what the fuck)

4 pair underwear – 2 fancy, 1 long john, 1 regular (pay close attention to the term ‘fancy underwear’)

Comfy pants (for those cozy hostel nights)

Sunglasses (what’s the point of going to Europe if you won’t look cool)

Harmonica (if I don’t play any music for more than 3 days I will die)

Hairties (HAIRTIES)

4 t-shirts (I mean, I guess I could go shirtless)

1 thermal shirt (see above)

USB Drive w/ security shit (ain’t nobody got time for getting their bank info stolen ’cause of compromised coffee shop computers)

2 button ups (SHIRTLESS)

Sewing kit (literally just a needle and thread wrapped around a piece of cardboard)

Cheap bluetooth speaker (to annoy all my hostel-mates)

2 pairs jeans (pantsless?)

Shemagh (to blend in with the locals if I end up in some eastern European country)

Beanie (is that allowed in Yurop?)

Gloves (to bitchslap those who oppose me)

Quick dry travel towel (I don’t wanna smell musky, y’hear)

2 Mini Flashlights (tacticool af)

Ear plugs (to combat snorers in hostels)

Journal (oh man it’s so good Brittany got it for me for Christmas and it’s leather and cool and oh fuck yes)

Water bottle (I mean this one is pretty obvious)

Sink stopper (to stop sinks [those fucking sinks…])

Travel soap (lol will wash my clothes in sinks for three months)

Travel clothesline (don’t wanna be drying my clothes on a German dude)

Hacky sack (I bet this will be popular in Amsterdam)

Padlock x 2 (hope my shit don’t get jacked)

CONDOMS (for all the mad PUSS I’m gonna be pulling ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Passport (to not be an illegal alien [as if France gives a shit])

Photocopies of passport, driver’s license, bank statements, immunization record (BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY NIGGA)

Other wallet (in case I get mugged and pooped on)

Money belt (in case I get mugged and pooped on)

Small umbrella (in case I get mugged and pooped on)

Bandana (gotta bring a bit of the Wild West with me, y’know)

Utensils (don’t wanna be a savage and eat my food with my hands. What do you think I am, an American?)

Pack of Cards (strip poker?)

Shot glasses (to play Cups with)

Scarf (c’mon man gotta be fashion af)

Ziplock bags (USEFUL)

2 USB phone chargers (it’s 2017, of course I’ll bring these)

Earbuds (long train rides plus Bach? plz)

Old Phone (that camera good as shit and also 64 gigs of memory)

Tablet (I don’t know if I’ll actually even use this)

Hanging toiletry bag (floss, toothbrush, razor+2 spare blades, lotion, comb, brush, nailclippers, retainer+case, contact solution, contact case) (HYGIENE)

Laundry bag (baundry lag)

Pen/pencils (I assure you, my notes will be the most fascinating thing you have ever read)

Chapstick (can’t disappoint all the European honeys, now can I?)

Extra pair of glasses w/ both cases (fuck seeing)

TP (you never know when it’s gonna hit. On the train, in the pub, on the toilet, you could shit yourself anywhere, man)

Duct tape (in case I break a bone)

First aid kit – Ibuprofen, allergy, band aids, Stomach relief, iso alcohol (GET KRUNK, SON)

Hostel sheets (no bedbugs plz)

Sup fools.

O shit its two months away. Ya’ll ready for this? I hope so ‘cause it’s not that big a commitment for you, and if you weren’t ready for it, well that’s just weird since I’m the one flying across the ocean to a new country.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Just a small pondering today, languages! I only know English (I mean I can say like three words in French and Spanish but I’m basically useless), so I will undoubtedly end up in some place where body language will be the prime method of communication, and that’s gonna be fun for a limited amount of time only. When I was considering WWOOFing I said to myself, “Ben, you’re a piece of shit,” to which I replied, “No, fuck you, you’re a piece of shit.” I also said to myself that I didn’t want to WWOOF somewhere where English wasn’t the primary language, because I figured that the whole “try to derp through the language barrier of English and German or whatever” thing would be fun for maybe a week or two, but I’d probably grow tired of it relatively quickly. Sure, there’s tons of people over there that speak English, but they’re not everywhere, and if I were to live in a different country for six months, as was my plan, I’d want to be able to talk to people easily after the charm of the language wears off. So my point is that I need to learn at least 3 languages fluently while I’m over there yup that’s the plan here we go.

Also, I wonder just how far my shitty, awful, broken French and Spanish will take me. I figure it would only take me a few days of being in, let’s say, Germany to get my (nonexistent) German to the point I’m at with my French and Spanish. So yay, I get a three day head start on those two I guess. I’d really love to live somewhere with the express purpose of learning the language, but that’s not what this trip is for. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll carve out a little niche in some mountain near Stockholm and learn how to speak Swedish. That’d be nice.

Bonus, if you speak Swedish give me a ring-a-ling and let’s do a thing-a-ling