This slideshow requires JavaScript.

DAY NINE – Hot Shit, France

After a fantastic four hours of sleep, Brittany and I got up at like fuckin’ 5 to catch a train to a plane to a PARIS.

Oh fuck now I gotta speak not-English.

On our way to the city center by bus, we passed a literal homeless village on the side of a highway. Like the homeless had built crude shacks out of scrap wood and tarps and old shower doors. It was fairly large, too. Crazy to think that people lived there. It’s not all fun and glitter in Paris, folks.

We took the metro to the hostel no problem, except that the metro fucking sucks. Not that it’s a bad subway system, I’m just from bum-fuck-nowhere and can’t deal with how shit it is. Fuck that place.

We couldn’t check in until 2, so we got lunch at this bistro with this character of a server. Oh man, he was a laugh and a half, shouting everywhere and speaking in broken English, awesome. Bombastic folk, these French. Somehow I got a salad, which if you know me, I don’t fucking get salads. But my shit French failed me, and you know what? That salad was mother lovin’ fire. Guess I’m getting cultured or something. Or I was really hungry. ¿Porque no los dos?

Also, yay my shit French is coming in handy. I can kind of talk to people.

Kind of.

When we checked in, Brittany showed me a news bulletin that just got bulleted, and it seems a mail bomb had exploded somewhere around Paris. Awesome, terrorism. Just what I wanted. But since I can’t give any shits whatsoever, I went to bed at like 3pm cause I was double tired, and ended up sleeping until 8am the next morning, but not before a total of two loudass people derped around our room for like forever and a half. Come on man, it’s 10pm, don’t turn the fucking light on. And you, lady, fuck off with the noisy plastic bags. Fuck.

 

DAY TEN – What a Dame
Update: the metro still sucks ball.

Today our quest was to do Paris in a day: Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, and the Louvre. We took the metro (ugh) to the Eiffel Tower, and immediately some chick tried to scam us by having us sign a petition we couldn’t read cause it was in French, but fuck her, we were wise to her shit. The tower was pretty nice, a lot more ornate than I thought it was, also bigger. We didn’t spend too long there, though, as we had bigger fish to fry.

After a two mile walk, we had reached Notre Dame, and oh my gods I love that building so many look at the flying buttresses and the carvings and the doors are even noteworthy unnnffffff. Seriously, it’s such an impressive piece of architecture, and so imposing, too. Its monumental size is incredible.

Like, that is one girthy church.

There were armed guards with big ol’ guns patrolling the place, and they were imposing, too. After we waited in line for maybe 20 minutes we were admitted into the hallowed walls. The stained glass windows are super beautiful and there was some kind of a sermon or something going on while we walked around the church, so we sat and listened to the chorus of people sing hymns for a bit, and that was amazing cause, even though there were only maybe 20 or 30 people singing, it filled the space in the way only a giant building with massive reverb can.

After getting our fill of art in the form of buildings, we started off to get our fill of art in the form of paintings and sculptures at the Louvre, but not before we grabbed a bite to eat. Guys, French food is so good. It doesn’t matter what kind of food it is, they do it right. I’m going to say it again, French food is double-plus good. Go to France and just spend 500 bucks on food for a week, it’s so worth it.  In particular, we got a crème brûlée after lunch, and it was likely the best dessert I’ve ever had. Oh man you guys don’t fucking know. Brittany does. Fuck it was so good.

We arrived at the Louvre around 2pm, and, although it was a Friday afternoon, it wasn’t that busy, compared to the mobs of people that I assume usually inhabit the museum. Off season is best season for museums and such. The lines to get in weren’t bad at all, and most rooms had only a few people in them as we traversed the huge palace-turned-gallery. One painting we saw was called ‘Pandemonium’ by John Martin, and you need to google that shit. How did something that metal come out of 1841? As we wandered along I was most impressed by the huge 80 foot by 60 foot paintings that took up an entire wall. There were quite a few of them throughout, and every time I was like ‘Damn, now that’s a fuckin’ painting.’

What I was not impressed with was the Mona Lisa. There were like a billion people around it, and even if there weren’t, you couldn’t get within 15 feet of the thing to actually examine it cause it was roped off. It was wholly underwhelming and I don’t see why people make such a fuss over it. As a side note, in almost all of these museums, you can take pictures of whatever you want. Didn’t expect that. I guess they figure there’s already a billion pictures on the internet, so they’ve laxened (fuck you that’s a word now) the rules. There are still some exceptions, though; the Crown Jewels, for instance. In other news, I’m developing a taste for scotch and my hair, in this humid environment, is better than ever.

Tomorrow, Brittany leaves and I do some other things, probably. Get ready.

P.S. Shout-out to Emily Luna of being all that, and a bag of chips.